At times, I’m struck by thunderbolt. Though thunderbolts are often accompanied with lightning, it comes to me abrupt and headlong. Every time then I question myself, am I a fool? The over thinker within me subsides for a moment, I am dwelled into the by lanes of thoughts which otherwise, finds no place in my psych.
I thought this should have ended in August, 2015. As you keep on meeting gazillions of new people at a new place and claim to do a fresh start, I was sure that the ‘urge of her’ would be rolling down a precipice in a few months. If not months, years would definitely do. But, it never happened. The gist of at least a dozen of novels I had read, reassured the same, distance separates things (breaks sighs!) But somewhere, I also got startled by the numbers. The number of times, I actually met her.
At times, it gets extremely hard to distinguish between right and wrong and we start imagining what can be tougher than this? Well, there are quite a few things. Things that needs a passage, from the mind and the heart. If nothing helps, words can definitely come to rescue on a damping hot midnight.
Until next time,
There isn’t a moment, I go wondering for anything else except your thought. I just can’t envisage how life can make you fall for things that aren’t just pretty, but something that deems to fit in an imagination of a wonderful world. You are the story that I constantly tell myself, you are the dream that I live through. I don’t know how things will move on a road that is otherwise very muddy and ungravelled. Let’s sit aside and talk for sometime. We can talk to the moon and still be giggling at the nuances of the world.
I had applied for the National Sustainability Case Challenge and I got an e-mail with the subject – ‘You have been shortlisted’.
I was happy at the first place. I didn’t read the mail instantly. After an hour, I thought of reading it to know what I have to do ahead. The mail read out that the teams have been shortlisted by a distinguished jury and the names of the shortlisted candidates are attached in the excel sheet.
I didn’t open the sheet instantly. With a curiosity to find other people who have been shortlisted; I opened the excel sheet and to my horror and surprise, I didn’t find my name there.
Since, I had received the e-mail with the subject – ‘You have been shortlisted’, I replied to the mail enquiring about it. Soon, I got a reply which said, ‘Mail has been sent to every participant, only the shortlisted names are in the excel sheet’.
Suddenly, I became furious. I mailed them again. ‘My presentation was well researched. Can you share the presentation of the shortlisted teams with me?’ I opened the excel sheet and started ranting, ‘How this team can be selected?’ ‘The world is unjust’.
I literally became upset for half an hour at least. After that, I realised, how stupid I’m been. Why I wasn’t accepting my rejection / failure with humility?
As I am writing this answer after 80 minutes of the incident, I have started to get a feeling that I might have completely misunderstood Background Research theory and had presented something irrelevant in the presentation.
No matter. Loosing hurts. But accepting it and moving on with firm determination is the best thing. Isn’t it?
I have decided to give words to the chaos perturbing me not because I feel at home doing this but essentially for a reason to come back and sail through these words, not presumably after years but just months after. It’s quite amazing (considering the age I’m passing through), how the dynamics of thoughts keeps fluttering. What seemed indispensable at a time holds little significance today!
And when his psyche started swirling into directions unknown to him; he would kick himself harder and start convincing his brain, ‘See, it’s imperative to live in the present. Just like the gazillion of things that are beyond the realms of your control, this is just another little thing from that list.’ His mind would often be pleased by that instant gratification but sadly that wasn’t lasting long these days. To all those stuff which he read in books marred by fiction and which he flagrantly pronounced as crap and grim started making a forlorn impact in his life.
He would wonder that how the thought of someone living at least 2000 kms away haunt him and he knew it has been perpetually so from the last four years. He would then be trailed in a series of incidents (not often mellifluous and amusing) till he regret revisiting all those occurrences.
He knew he was enticing a reverie. He wished to sit aside and speak his heart aloud (not what the world wished for but about the storms sailing through his mind.) He didn’t want to be sailing through and galloping on the other side of the coast, he just wanted a calm stay at which ever place he was in. He wanted to be in the mid of the blue, unperturbed.
I was never perplexed and bewildered like this ever before, as I’m these days. Just a few months ago, and my thoughts were sailing all smooth and I dreamed of a life; like many other else. And then, as they say, few things just happen at the right time and at the right place and one such was in the month of May and June, when I did an internship on Backend Development in Gurgaon. Continue reading “Dichotomies Of Choices”
“May be, it’s supposed to be this way or may be it’s never meant to be.” No matter, how hard you try to be resolute; there are occasions in life; when the heart quietly steals a moment and questions thoughts that are scary and imprudent. All, I wish, at those times is simply, ‘I just wasn’t an over thinker’.
It’s all happening at a time; when impending career goal isn’t allowing you to sleep and the urge of her innocence freezes a moment for you. Sometimes, I wonder, isn’t this all a fairy tale?
” To the first five years; when we never talked. To the next two, when phone calls were the only solace. To the next one and then the three years that graced with three meeting; remember eleven year is just a number.” (42,782 was also a number, though!)
May be she seems so original or may be she is made so; to diffuse happiness wherever she wanders, the heart always gets a reason to impound. I can write all day along on her but I fear being griefed and I fear being lost.
At times you feel quite prevailing too. Hadn’t been an essence of such tangling affairs; the spirit of great literature wouldn’t have survived so long. (You feel it a Shakespearean conspiracy!) I wish, I’m a fool because the impeding fear of her for me, is always scary. May be a day, the heart stops beating or may be a day …………………………! (And as they say, every story is tragic, if you wait long enough. Let’s end this blog.) I wish, I could read people’s mind! I wish, I read her mind.
हुमेंस ऑफ़ न्यू यॉर्क को तो सबने सुन रखा होगा, लेकिन में ब्रैंडन को नहीं जानता था। सचमुच नहीं जानता था। लेकिन किसी का लाल माइक ले कर, समाज के ऐसे तबको की कहानियों को टेलेविज़न स्क्रीन पे लाना और उसे बेहद ही सहज और अलग तरीके से बताना, मुझे प्रवावित कर गया था। मुझे शायद ये बात समझ आने लगी थी की हर सुपर हीरो इंस्टाग्राम के फ़िल्टर और टेलेविज़न के स्क्रीन से नहीं दिखता, हमारे और आपके आसपास अनगिनत, असंख्यक सुपरहीरो रहते हैं जो तमाम मुश्किलातों के बाद भी हर चीज़ से लड़ रहे होते हैं।
Continue reading “ह्यूमेन्स ऑफ़ गलगोटीआस और मैं!”